She's Spoken

Advice, opinions, and critical thinking all in one place!

Black Women – Yes you. let it go!

 I was frequenting a blog that has produced many posts that have intrigued me and even inspired a few of my posts when I came across an article and of course at the end of most posts there are the reader comments. It was in one of those comments that I found the fuel for this post. I am going to admit that this post is geared toward black women, not for any reason other than the fact that the issue I am about to discuss mainly takes residence in our community and in our households. There was a young that left a comment almost shaming another young lady for praising the positive black male role model see had her life. Somehow the author of this particular comment felt that positive account of the other young ladies experiences with black men where a direct attack on the many women who had bad experiences with black men.

Here it is, black women you have to understand a few things. There are good God fearing black men out there. There are black men who do right by their children, their family, they work hard and they are respectful. Please do not discount them all because of a few bad experiences. See, I am guilty of making blanket generalizations too. However, I realize that not all black men fit the bill that many of the one’s I have encountered do. Holding onto hate and anger only makes the soul grow bitter and dye young. Here is the thick of it. Do you realize that the company you keep is a reflection of you, of your morals, of your beliefs, of your social acceptance level? That means that if you are finding these men that are not taking care of their business, then honey neither are you. If you find yourself with the same type of man over and over again, at some point you have to take ownership of your participation and then and only then can you request better and only then will you get better.

We call them lying and cheating dogs, but we take them back. So why are we angry at them? Why are we not taking any personal accountability? We have to own our words and our actions. If the people around us are behaving in ways that we are uncomfortable with and that are counterproductive to where we are headed we have to cut ties. Often times we hold on because we don’t want to be alone, or we think we don’t know any better, or because we believe that we have this innate power to change the plight of a man. That is wrong; you cannot make anyone do right. We have to understand that change is a self-initiated action.  We have choices to make, and we continue to make ones that place us in the role of a victim, in a position where we feel trapped. Take that power back, say enough and let go of hate. Let go of the anger you have for the father that walked out, the baby daddy’s that are good for nothing, for the abusive men that were in and out of your life, for all the negative associations you have had with black men. When you do that you will grow, you will change, and most importantly you will be in total control of your life. You will have reclaimed your power. As long as you foster ill feelings and recollect on all the negatives you will never have enough cognitive space left to process the good, much less realize a good thing. Holding onto to what’s behind you keeps your hands full, and you can’t possibly grab what’s in front of you if your hands are full of the past. I’m not saying that what you went through was your fault, or that it should be discounted, or that you shouldn’t be hurt. I’m saying let it go, move on and live well. Black women do deserve better, but you can only have better when you are better.

Please believe that there are black men out there that are worthless, but there are Mexican men, white men, Puerto Rican men and so many others and they are worthless too. There are deadbeat dads in every shade you can think of. I am sorry if the man that was supposed to coddle you walked out, if you never knew your father or if you were abused. I want through it all too, but you know what the whole time that I kept holding onto those experiences the more I begin to whittle away. I didn’t realize that the people I was allowing into my life were people that I thought I could help, people I could change. I wanted to control the situation; I wanted to make people better. But it didn’t fix anything, all it did was perpetuate the cycle and frustrate me more because I was trying to fix old issues I had with particular family figures with substitutes. I kept finding people who used me up, people who angered me or people that I could control and I thought that I could eventually change. It was not until I experienced two unfortunate and permanent events that I realized I was allowing my soul to be consumed by negativity and bitterness and years had passed me by. No man in life was good enough, no friend loyal enough and nothing made me happy. I was incapable of happiness because there was literally no room. Forgive them what they had done to you, forgive there past transgression. Not every man will treat you the way he did. Please let go! When you do your whole world changes, this I PROMISE YOU!

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